Hormones are a bitch.
Hormones are a bitch.
Work has been rough lately. There’s a lot of attention on my department and it really falls on my shoulders to perform.
Sometimes I’d really like to just be a cog.
D and I went back and forth today about my worries. Sometimes it’s hard to be married to a guy who is so easy going, who never worries about much.
I lamented about my concern about how the stress from my job may prevent us from getting pregnant.
He responded that I read too many Mommy blogs. (He probably isn’t wrong….)
I want to do well. I want to succeed.
But breaking down into tears because I’m so worried isn’t professional or cool….
Waking up from a nap is like Cap waking up from being frozen.
Skeptical and angry and wtf.
I have zero fucks with which to contribute to society today.
One of my coworkers burst into the break room at lunch today and upon seeing me eating my lunch, exclaimed:
"What made you do it?!"
She was referring to my haircut. Her tone implied that I had gone off the deep-end, had some sort of existential crisis, left my husband, or had an unfortunate accident with a very large wad of chewing gum that resulted in my extreme hair cut.
It was none of these things.
A bit of background: I generally keep my hair well below my shoulders for one specific reason: to donate.
As a cancer survivor, it would be what I would have wanted if I had lost my hair due to treatment. Especially if I was younger. Actually, I’m not sure what I would have done if I had lost my hair to treatment in high school. My hair was long enough to sit on then, and I would have wanted some of my own hair made into a wig, I think, but I can’t be sure. I may have braved it bald…. But probably not.
So today when my coworker approached the question with the tone she used, I became a bit defensive, and my response probably took a tone that I didn’t want it to, but….
She made it sound as though the 10 inches I cut off my hair was an ill-advised emotional choice instead of the very calculated and planned 2 years of preparation to grow.
This is a nod of solidarity to those who weren’t as lucky as I was during my treatment. It’s a gift of normalcy in a time when your life is in chaos, people treat you differently, your life is different and all you want is to be treated the same as everyone else.
A big thing that I think a lot of people don’t realize about cancer is that even though you’re sick, you still want to be treated the same (within the available physical possibilities) because the “Cancer Perks” just make you feel… coddled.
I remember having this fight with my dad at the dinner table. I was 17, freshly diagnosed, and I don’t even know what we were arguing about. But he said this:
"But you’re sick!"
And I yelled back, “I am, but it hasn’t changed who I am!”
Which is probably exactly what any 17 year old would say, considering 17 year olds…..
But I also remember they would let me disappear.
I’d drive an hour or two away to visit my friends without asking, or sit alone on the beach for hours without telling them where I was. That was the biggest Cancer Perk my parents gave me - a very long leash with which to cope with my disease.
Which, was nice, but at the same time, was special treatment I didn’t necessarily want just because I was sick, but because they trusted me.
This has gone a bit off the rail, and I’m on a tangent, but normal is important when you deal with illness.
I’ve seen those FB posts about how a cancer patient only wants one thing: to beat cancer. And sure, that’s absolutely true, but I feel that more than that, I didn’t want to become my disease to everyone, and I just wanted to be treated normally.
So, this is my small gift of normal to other Cancer Kids….
This morning, in my haste to take a pregnancy test, I accidentally used an ovulation test.
They look exactly the same and I had to pee. It was also early and I got little sleep.
Good thing they’re cheap. Dollar Store FTW.
My period should start in a couple days. Having a 24 day cycle is ridiculous.
I’m disappointed. I know it’s silly and naive to thing we’d get pregnant our first month out, but it’s been drilled into our heads how easily we get pregnant in our families. Fertile stock.I had sharp pain yesterday, I hoped it was implantation. Probably not.
Trying to conceive is like Schrodinger’s Pregnancy.
You are both pregnant and not pregnant until you get your period or a positive.
…please stop making crappy movies. You’re better than this.
Do not try to be pretty. You weren’t meant to be pretty; you were meant to burn down the earth and graffiti the sky. Don’t let anyone ever simplify you to just “pretty”